6/26/24 - Another Quick One

A little earlier than earlier than yesterday but still not before work. Third times the charm?
 

Real quick, I closed all my rings yesterday. First time I have been able to accomplish it since I started putting on the watch. My goal is to close the rings every day until my birthday. After that I hope it will become second nature and I have to be constantly aware of it. What helped a lot was walking during my lunch. I guess I will be making daily trips to the mall during the weekdays. 

I would like touch on the impulse subject when I have more time and I don't feel like I need to rush. Maybe it's better to these at the end of the day?

Oh! The internet was down at work when I cam in. Gave it the ye olde disconnect/connect the modem and the router and that did the trick. Ohh Spectrum never change...seriously, please do. 

<3 Alex

6/25/24 - One Month Away

I wanted to post before coming to work not during. Yes, sometimes I can be a time thief but I balance it by sometimes working off the clock, but I am pretty sure I lean more on wasting time than making up the time. Speaking of time my 32nd birthday is coming up in one month exactly today.

What comes with being 32... I'm not sure really. I feel like I have grown but at the same time I have people say girls will never take me serious and I play the victim. Plus my mom and I aren't in the best of places right now. I feel fine though, I tried to make up for my indiscretions and apologized. I haven't dwelt on it and taken it personally that they haven't accepted my apologies. I know an apology isn't going to make everything better but I am only human I am going to slip up. I reflected on what I did and I am going to try my best to try and not let it happen again. It's my impulse control, it always comes down to my impulse control. 

Right now my impulsivity is my biggest weakness as a person. It affects me in a lot of areas of my life. 

• Health
• Emotions
• Relations
• Financially 

I  can't really think of anything else but if these 4 things don't encompass a big part of what makes my life, I don't what else does. 

 

I'm wasting too much time, I need to get back to work. I will get into further detail about this later

 

<3 Alex

  

6/24/24 - Posting Daily

I am going to try and post daily if this is going to be in the morning or in the afternoon idk yet. I'm going to experiment and figure what works best for me. I never hear any feedback so I am assuming the numbers I get are random people so I might go more intimate until I am given a reason not too.

Until tomorrow.

New Year's Eve 2018

Hard to believe my one and only "normal relationship" ended over five years on New Year's Eve 2018. 

By normal I mean we dated, went out, stayed together, slept together, and so on and so forth. You know the normal dating stuff. My first relationship was more us going out a couple of times and things fizzling out. That and had no fucking idea what I was doing. The only other relationship that came close to being normal was my long distance relationship. It stayed most over the internet but the few days we spent together was some of the greatest days I had. Even if I was sick lol.

Outside of that the other relationships, in the literal sense of the word, were just people, can't even say girls for sure, manipulating me, and taking advantage of my trusting and naïve nature. Yes I am pissed I lost money but the thing that upsets me more is the time wasted and the lies. You trust this person and they use that to get richer and get ahead of you. That hurts so much.

 Funny enough this never went live. Thanks for the memories Lucy 

11/9/2023 - Toxicity in the World

I can't believe she pushed me to such extremes or better said I can't believe I let myself be pushed to such a level of toxicity. 

I will never understand why she kept the conversation going as long as she did, will I suppose it would still be going on if I didn't cut things off. She was pretty clear even early on she just wanted to be "friends," what ever that means. We both had very different definitions of friendship. I mean how did she think things would go? A man can only hear "ok," "welcome," "thanks," "I don't care" for so long. I don't think I ever have not cared how much I hurt someone like I did last night. She just pushed my buttons! I simply did not care how she felt anymore. Even now I can't find any semblance of guilt in me. 

I wonder how much she said was true. I can't imagine someone like her, or at least the personality she presented to me, can have a solid dating life or the very least social life. She was sooo boring, I should have taken the hint, but I was hoping for things to change. I didn't care if we were romantic with each other or simply just acquaintances. At first it was nice to talk to someone new, but soon it started to feel like I was talking to a dumb A.I. and eventually to just a wall. The only kind of real response I ever got from her was when we would argue about something. It was like the only way of communication she knew how to do.

Am I crazy? Is it wrong to try and learn about the person? To pay attention to them and observe details from the little talk we did have. She made feel like the bad guy until I eventually became the bad guy. I am not afraid to admit it I was a bad guy yesterday and yet again who cares. God, I can't help to think am I socially stupid do I simply not understand the norms of what it is a guy in this day and age. Hell, to be a person in this day and age. 

Am I so mentally fucked that I won't ever find my place. I want out... No I am not thinking of killing myself, this thoughts are long going with the person I was but damn it's been a pretty shitty 2nd half of the year. I just want to go and start fresh, where no one knows me (idiot who knows you now). That's the problem I don't even know what starting fresh means. 

I feel like I am rambling at this point... 

Does anyone even read these? I mean the numbers say yes but then again. I wonder if I could talk about my other stuff. 

10/17/2023 - What is going on and what is next

I am pretty sure that other thing I was doing was holding me back. I have more energy and patience for everything now. Waking up is still a pain in the ass but it is easier. I didn't ever think I'd be waking up before 5:30 am 5 times a week. 

Plus I am becoming more self aware of what I want to do in my life. I'm applying to Lockheed. It is not a risk as of yet but it can become one. Fingers crossed it does become one and a good one. My job now is a good one but it isn't what I want to do for a lifetime. I get bored really easy and it is hard to concentrate on the work sometimes. Not only that but the commute is brutal on me and the car that I drive. 

I think Palmdale is going to be my permanent place of residence. I don't really have an innate desire to leave CA or in fact Palmdale for that matter. Nor am I opposed to it it just not something I am seeking. As long as I have a home and a workshop I will be happy. For the material things lol there is so much more I would like to have for me spiritually and emotionally. 

Pouring Gasoline Into the Fire

 Maybe I am in a self-destructive tilt, destroying the few relations I have left but in the end who cares they were barely even there to start with.  

Revelations

 I am a sarcastic smart mouth who doesn’t know when to keep their mouth shut. 

Why try to be something I am not and just go full bore with what I know I am. I think I would like to fuck with people on Instagram. Leave my notes as vague as possible.  Well, it shouldn’t fuck with people unless they have something to hide, or they are having self-doubts. In other words, I am going to fuck with people who need to be fucked with. 

• Just because they think they are all put together, that makes it ok for them to think they are better than you. 
• That they claim they are friendly and open-minded but they really are not. 
• Who lie to you and say they are not on their phone when they are on it all the time.
• Who claim they post because it helps people but really they are attention seeking whores.
• Who claim they are spiritual but they are bound to this world and all it's materialism.

The list can go on and on, but the bottom line is I am tired of these fuckers and I am tired of bottling it all in. Lets see how long these people can keep up with their perfection façade. 

I fell back into the trap of taking things personally and caring what others thought, or at the very least what I perceived what they thought. It really does feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulder when you take off the burden of others opinions. Funny thing is you can’t blame anyone for that weight, you yourself put it there.

I am going to enjoy this.

Comments

I changed the settings for comments. Now you can leave a comment without sharing who you are or needing to sign up (I think I did anyways). 

Anyways maybe there will be a little more engagement. Or maybe this is just a cry for attention...

Needy Much- 9/19/2023

 I heard somewhere, and I like to repeat, most people stop growing mentally once they reach high school. What I mean by that is that is your likely to repeat the same bs that you did in high school in your adult life. You’ll get annoyed at the same things, the same things will make you happy, mad, stressed and so on. I more or less act the same way as I did in high school and no that’s not a good thing.

I am a very sensitive and subconscious person. If you say something nice or mean about me, I am going to take it to heart. I remember when I went on a camping trip when I was in college, I overreacted because of something. Funny how I can’t remember the exact details. The thing I remember was the girl I like said she didn’t like Cold Play. For whatever fucking reason that devastated me. I remember closing off for the remainder of that trip and trying to sing along to my music, which I was blasting on my headphones. I acted like a child and thinking back this was probably one of the last things I was invited to do with this set of friends. Nobody ever really mentioned it again after that.

University really tested me. I am always commenting on how hard university was for me and I think it was because of my emotional immaturity. It is hard for me to express my feelings when something negative happens to me. I either lock up or I get angry. I remember moments but it is always mixed with other feelings like want and desire. Not fully understanding these feelings makes me unhinged maybe. Maybe that’s why I stray to certain things. So many mixed feelings.

How do people do it?  

9.8.2023 - What Now?

     I think it is time to admit that some people are meant to not be in a relationship. The things I want and need from someone are just too contradictory for anyone person to have. As for what these things are, I can’t really say, too private. Maybe in the future, only time will tell.  

    Being confident in myself is a really scary thing for me. Every time I have felt “comfortable” about who I am and how I look I become ever so much more conceited and vainer. I know it speaks about who I am and that I need to be humbler. But when you feel so much less than everybody else it is nice to feel “superior” to everybody else when you can. I think it's time to say fuck it and take what I want.