Death and my Thoughts on it 6.11.2020

May 2020 has been one of the hardest months I have experienced in my short life. My aunts boos and friend passed away early in the month and we took in his dog, Buddy. I love Buddy but in the back of my head I always have the feeling of sadness. We have this dog in our life's only because someone else's life ended. I can't over that feeling. He was a great boss, according to my aunt, he would go out of his way to give her things and ask about the family. It seems he is going to be missed by more than my aunt, he was an active member in his community.

Then in the end of the month my great uncle, mi tío, passed away. I took over in trying to collect donations and organize the publication of his wake and funeral, not everybody was able to see him in person, because he deserved it, but deep down I think i also did it out of guilt. Mi tío lived close but I hardly ever visited him and now he is gone and I won't see him for a very long time (my Christianity showing). I feel guilty about it. I would tell him and myself I would visit more but never did. I encountered a familiar feeling when my friend in the Army passed away. Told myself I will try to reach out to him more and he also passed and i won't get the chance to do so in this world.

 have ever thought about death. It's an eerie feeling to think that a body, the souls vessel, was someone. They had a life, friends, family, hopes and aspirations and then they don't. Death doesn't scare mean. As much as I am scared to do something dangerous or reckless, I am not scared to die. I am scared of the pain. Trust me when I say it. I have never said it out load before but I have considered killing myself. I would think if the Army sent me out to war it wouldn't be too bad if I never came back. The worse I ever felt was towards the end of my last relationship. Playing with the knife just imaging it going over my wrist, but they say cut parallel with the vein not perpendicular you'll bleed out faster. I don't think I ever seriously contemplated it but the thought was there. I knew my family would miss me but no one else. I hate myself for over think the latter. Like why the hell did I care so much why no one else wouldn't miss me...but I digress.

Death has been on my mind a lot these last few days, but in a health way. These days have been pretty awful but I can honestly say I have handled them a lot better. I've learned to forgive myself and not be overly worried about other people's opinions. I am not perfect and self care isn't a straight line. It has it's ups and it has its downs.      

the Haze of 2020 June 7, 2020

There is only one way I can describe 2020 and that is its a haze. To me being in a haze is one of the most terrifying places to be.

There's is no good or bad, moving forwards or backwards, it's all just one big pause. I almost want to say it's like a purgatory, YOU ARE TRAPPED. The world is somehow moving along and you can only watch it pass you by as you struggle to get out of the cycles of torrent and fear you've created for yourself. There's no getting out. In my experience good and bad dreams are blessings in one way, you wake up from them. In a hazy dream it goes on and on and on... Never any progress, never any failings. Sometimes you feel like you got out but you didn't. There you are blank with nothing to fear or to look forward to. Any other feeling would be welcomed because at least you know you are alive but where I am right now I don't feel anything.

How did we... I get here. It's June but the last few months didn't happen but they did. So much pain and uncertainty and joy and relief. Yet it feels empty non existent. I walk through the haze and fog and hope to find the edge. For now I just wonder through it, struggling to live. 

racism and other thoughts--June 1, 2020

It has been a while and it's a new month, but instead of starting fresh we must once again be reminded of how little growth we have done in regards to treating each other equally and with respect. Of course we focus more on the racism and discrimination that occurs here in the United States because, you know it is our own backyard, but no one people are innocent of mistreating others. That is beside the point and I have to focus on what is going in the here and now.

George Floyd on May 25, 2020 was murdered by police officers in Minnesota. This is a tragedy putting it lightly. I'm only going to say this regarding the matter. People have a right to protest. Those who go to protest and then go to loot do not respect anybody and degrade the movement for better and equal rights. Props to the protesters and you looters disgust me. That is it. 

May has been a rough month. Family tragedy and scares. Personally employment is still nonexistent and socially communication outside of the family is forced. You can interpret that however you'd like. To that last point, I'm not nessarily craving the need to talk to others but that can easily be me making the excuse of I don't need anybody to not put myself out there. I think it is easier for me to see how shallow people are by the way people react to the death of mi tío. I understand the difficulty it is to donate money especially in these hard times... I'm going to stop, I don't know all the details.... It just felt like people did not want to share to their sphere of influences for a small cause. Yet people easily share a post that makes them appear they understand or respect a cause or to share a post to benefit them. Where were your posts before the tragedy happened, since when did you care about the cause? What the hell is your post going to do, huh, you stupid, selfish people? 

I'm never going to understand people. Just to be clear I don't think I'm better than you or that I'm above you. There are a whole lot of people out there that do so much more. I mean, what exactly makes someone better than another person? I guess that's the whole point no one is better than anyone else. We are all gifted and flawed in different unique ways. I'm just saying don't go out there pretending someone you are not.