letting go 8/17/2020

I dwell a lot of my time in the past which is ironic because I don't remember it too well...maybe that's why... Who knows.

It's not a healthy habit. It takes away from what's going on in the present and once again something I'm working on. You don't reach the level of depression I got to without learning some extremely unhealthy habits. Opinions are often conflicting. You want to be better but you don't want to do it alone. Yet you don't want to drag anyone in to the mess. Double yet isn't being healthy being able to connect with others. Life has always been a confusion. You want to think about the future but again you don't want to sit in it for too long because it takes away from the present. Yet how can you prepare yourself today without thinking about it. I guess that's the thing you need to balance. Look into the past just enough to learn from it and think about the future long enough to make a judgment call in what you are doing. Or do neither and just go with it. 

It's crazy how much I hate to be tied down to one specific thing yet I want the comment of a relationship. Do I want a relationship or do I just want to have the comfort of knowing I'm not alone. Idk how people do it... With any kind of relationship. How they can be so okay with only themselves. Or is that even a thing. 

How much is too much talking 

What do people even talk about 

Am I being too honest 

Too open

Too upfront 

Are not having Memes ok

Some Memes 

Lots of memes

Stay superficial

What is superficial 

I'm overthing it again. How do you simply move ahead. I don't think people realize it but they do move forward blindly and it has to be the best feeling in the world, to the point you don't think about it. 

"Ignorance is bless" never sounded so amazing

"For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow." -Ecclesiastes 1:18

The Ever Present Disconnect - 08/15/2020

Something that has always been present in my pysci is the disconnect I feel from other people. Something Ive been able to handle better, now but it has a tendency to rear its ugly head from time to time. So, why not write about.

I feel sometimes that I have forgotten how to talk to people or better yet understand the people around me. When did it come to be where I simply can not talk to people. In my mind it's all my fault. 

I talked too much

I didn't say enough

I didn't convey exactly what I wanted to say

You said something wrong

You sounded like an asshole

You sounded like a push over

You sounded to clingy 

You sounded to distant 

You didn't get what was going on

You are asking too much

You are asking too little 

You'll never be understood 

There is no tribe for you out there 

You make no sense

You are conseded 

You can't make anything work

You are just being tolerated 

The list can go on and the depression and anxiety can go so much deeper. You tell yourself none of it is true, but it is one thing to say it and it's another completely other thing to believe. To be simply aware of the cycle is a step in the right direction but it's never quite that linear progress you are hoping for. That feeling of disconnect can be really frustrating. I mean is it normal to go a day without really talking to someone. Is it normal to not really be able to talk to. I love my family but there's somethings I can't really ever share with them because they made it obvious where they stand on somethings. I miss having someone to be completely comfortable with and vulnerable with but I ask my self does that person exist. Again, the cycle can be pretty overwhelming.

Is it possible that I might venture this world alone aimless seeking for that circle of safety that might not even exist. I'm 28 and it feels like somethings I should have figured out I didn't figure out. Then again who told you you had to have it figure out at a certain point. 

I dewell on it sometimes. 

Why do I write? August 8, 2020

It's a been a very long time since I wrote here. I been meaning to but I didn't have the time, make the time to be more accurate. The question still stands why do I do it.

For one I suffer from anxiety so it's easier to clear my thoughts and feelings if I write them down instead of just trying to grasp one thought at a time and try to make sense of it. Processing things when they are abstract and not real is a pain. Better said it's easier when it's physical and I can see it. I guess I am more of a visual learner. It's easier to write notes and see it, but I need to make a better note system because mine can have gaps and that doesn't really work in my line of work lol. It's a process... I find it ironic how much I need writing in my life because I can be so bad about it. My spelling isn't the worst but it needs improvement and don't get me started on my grammer.

I use to write when I felt down or when I couldn't quite grasp things when I felt they were spiraling out of control but there's more to write than just the bad times. Even when times are good I need to take a moment and reflect on what's going on and take it all in. Ive learned, better said I'm learning, I have a very minimal control of the things around me, but I can control how I feel or react to things. Writing helps in this process and I'm getting better at it, kinda of. Progression isn't a straight positive sloped curve. It's messy and it can have its ups and downs, and negative trends.

Some, like me, can have misinterpretation of what this means. It doesn't mean you have to be go lucky and happy all the times. Life can hit you hard and believe me life hits very hard but you can't have those negative impacts dictate the rest of your life. Learn from the good and the bad. 

There's so much to say but writing can fail in interpretating everything you want to say. It doesn't work if you can't articulate what you want to say. I guess that's fear getting in the way. Sometimes you got turn the handle and let it all flow out.