The Ever Present Disconnect - 08/15/2020

Something that has always been present in my pysci is the disconnect I feel from other people. Something Ive been able to handle better, now but it has a tendency to rear its ugly head from time to time. So, why not write about.

I feel sometimes that I have forgotten how to talk to people or better yet understand the people around me. When did it come to be where I simply can not talk to people. In my mind it's all my fault. 

I talked too much

I didn't say enough

I didn't convey exactly what I wanted to say

You said something wrong

You sounded like an asshole

You sounded like a push over

You sounded to clingy 

You sounded to distant 

You didn't get what was going on

You are asking too much

You are asking too little 

You'll never be understood 

There is no tribe for you out there 

You make no sense

You are conseded 

You can't make anything work

You are just being tolerated 

The list can go on and the depression and anxiety can go so much deeper. You tell yourself none of it is true, but it is one thing to say it and it's another completely other thing to believe. To be simply aware of the cycle is a step in the right direction but it's never quite that linear progress you are hoping for. That feeling of disconnect can be really frustrating. I mean is it normal to go a day without really talking to someone. Is it normal to not really be able to talk to. I love my family but there's somethings I can't really ever share with them because they made it obvious where they stand on somethings. I miss having someone to be completely comfortable with and vulnerable with but I ask my self does that person exist. Again, the cycle can be pretty overwhelming.

Is it possible that I might venture this world alone aimless seeking for that circle of safety that might not even exist. I'm 28 and it feels like somethings I should have figured out I didn't figure out. Then again who told you you had to have it figure out at a certain point. 

I dewell on it sometimes.