Restless 10/27/20

 The title pretty much sums it up. I'm finding it hard to go to asleep at a good time. It's just not something physical, it's also mental. Again I'm stuck in the paradox in which I can't seem to be able to occupy my time with something that keeps me... sane, I guess the best word to describe it.

I finish work and I can't seem to find something to engage in. And work isn't feeling as fulfilling anymore and I'm constantly bored. I don't want to go down this path again. It's so weird, I always wonder what do other people do? I can't imagine they sit in front of a screen all day... Do they? Games, TV, movies and all that other stuff is ok for a period of time but it gets pretty mondane pretty quickly. And how do people find the patient and motivation to study? Maybe I'll go back to the army. The army was annoying at times and boring but the kind of boring there was different. I guess in the simplest sense at least there you knew it had to stop and there was something to look forward to. Out hear... Not so much. I have found when you are bored out here there's nothing to look forward to. At least in the situation I am in.

The weekends come and go and it's always nice to spend it with the family but there's nothing there outside of that. The issue of not really having to connect in a deeper level is by far one of the most infuriating things. I don't know it brings up the question that always nags me, am I confortable with myself? All the self help and mental people would say no. And that's another thing those who are always rubbing it in your face about how good they are and are always putting out how to be "mental happy", are they happy. To be completely honest I think those that are truly happy don't announce it to the world. There world doesn't exist in a screen and for the approval of others it only exist right there in front of there eyes.

Social media is a disease. One that I hope to overcome one day. There will be a day in which for some of you or maybe all of you will recall a fragment of a memory in the back of your head and you well wonder who was that? What was there name? Or better yet I will simply disappear in your eyes almost as if I never even existed. One day...