11/9/2023 - Toxicity in the World

I can't believe she pushed me to such extremes or better said I can't believe I let myself be pushed to such a level of toxicity. 

I will never understand why she kept the conversation going as long as she did, will I suppose it would still be going on if I didn't cut things off. She was pretty clear even early on she just wanted to be "friends," what ever that means. We both had very different definitions of friendship. I mean how did she think things would go? A man can only hear "ok," "welcome," "thanks," "I don't care" for so long. I don't think I ever have not cared how much I hurt someone like I did last night. She just pushed my buttons! I simply did not care how she felt anymore. Even now I can't find any semblance of guilt in me. 

I wonder how much she said was true. I can't imagine someone like her, or at least the personality she presented to me, can have a solid dating life or the very least social life. She was sooo boring, I should have taken the hint, but I was hoping for things to change. I didn't care if we were romantic with each other or simply just acquaintances. At first it was nice to talk to someone new, but soon it started to feel like I was talking to a dumb A.I. and eventually to just a wall. The only kind of real response I ever got from her was when we would argue about something. It was like the only way of communication she knew how to do.

Am I crazy? Is it wrong to try and learn about the person? To pay attention to them and observe details from the little talk we did have. She made feel like the bad guy until I eventually became the bad guy. I am not afraid to admit it I was a bad guy yesterday and yet again who cares. God, I can't help to think am I socially stupid do I simply not understand the norms of what it is a guy in this day and age. Hell, to be a person in this day and age. 

Am I so mentally fucked that I won't ever find my place. I want out... No I am not thinking of killing myself, this thoughts are long going with the person I was but damn it's been a pretty shitty 2nd half of the year. I just want to go and start fresh, where no one knows me (idiot who knows you now). That's the problem I don't even know what starting fresh means. 

I feel like I am rambling at this point... 

Does anyone even read these? I mean the numbers say yes but then again. I wonder if I could talk about my other stuff. 

10/17/2023 - What is going on and what is next

I am pretty sure that other thing I was doing was holding me back. I have more energy and patience for everything now. Waking up is still a pain in the ass but it is easier. I didn't ever think I'd be waking up before 5:30 am 5 times a week. 

Plus I am becoming more self aware of what I want to do in my life. I'm applying to Lockheed. It is not a risk as of yet but it can become one. Fingers crossed it does become one and a good one. My job now is a good one but it isn't what I want to do for a lifetime. I get bored really easy and it is hard to concentrate on the work sometimes. Not only that but the commute is brutal on me and the car that I drive. 

I think Palmdale is going to be my permanent place of residence. I don't really have an innate desire to leave CA or in fact Palmdale for that matter. Nor am I opposed to it it just not something I am seeking. As long as I have a home and a workshop I will be happy. For the material things lol there is so much more I would like to have for me spiritually and emotionally. 

Pouring Gasoline Into the Fire

 Maybe I am in a self-destructive tilt, destroying the few relations I have left but in the end who cares they were barely even there to start with.  

Revelations

 I am a sarcastic smart mouth who doesn’t know when to keep their mouth shut. 

Why try to be something I am not and just go full bore with what I know I am. I think I would like to fuck with people on Instagram. Leave my notes as vague as possible.  Well, it shouldn’t fuck with people unless they have something to hide, or they are having self-doubts. In other words, I am going to fuck with people who need to be fucked with. 

• Just because they think they are all put together, that makes it ok for them to think they are better than you. 
• That they claim they are friendly and open-minded but they really are not. 
• Who lie to you and say they are not on their phone when they are on it all the time.
• Who claim they post because it helps people but really they are attention seeking whores.
• Who claim they are spiritual but they are bound to this world and all it's materialism.

The list can go on and on, but the bottom line is I am tired of these fuckers and I am tired of bottling it all in. Lets see how long these people can keep up with their perfection façade. 

I fell back into the trap of taking things personally and caring what others thought, or at the very least what I perceived what they thought. It really does feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulder when you take off the burden of others opinions. Funny thing is you can’t blame anyone for that weight, you yourself put it there.

I am going to enjoy this.

Comments

I changed the settings for comments. Now you can leave a comment without sharing who you are or needing to sign up (I think I did anyways). 

Anyways maybe there will be a little more engagement. Or maybe this is just a cry for attention...

Needy Much- 9/19/2023

 I heard somewhere, and I like to repeat, most people stop growing mentally once they reach high school. What I mean by that is that is your likely to repeat the same bs that you did in high school in your adult life. You’ll get annoyed at the same things, the same things will make you happy, mad, stressed and so on. I more or less act the same way as I did in high school and no that’s not a good thing.

I am a very sensitive and subconscious person. If you say something nice or mean about me, I am going to take it to heart. I remember when I went on a camping trip when I was in college, I overreacted because of something. Funny how I can’t remember the exact details. The thing I remember was the girl I like said she didn’t like Cold Play. For whatever fucking reason that devastated me. I remember closing off for the remainder of that trip and trying to sing along to my music, which I was blasting on my headphones. I acted like a child and thinking back this was probably one of the last things I was invited to do with this set of friends. Nobody ever really mentioned it again after that.

University really tested me. I am always commenting on how hard university was for me and I think it was because of my emotional immaturity. It is hard for me to express my feelings when something negative happens to me. I either lock up or I get angry. I remember moments but it is always mixed with other feelings like want and desire. Not fully understanding these feelings makes me unhinged maybe. Maybe that’s why I stray to certain things. So many mixed feelings.

How do people do it?  

9.8.2023 - What Now?

     I think it is time to admit that some people are meant to not be in a relationship. The things I want and need from someone are just too contradictory for anyone person to have. As for what these things are, I can’t really say, too private. Maybe in the future, only time will tell.  

    Being confident in myself is a really scary thing for me. Every time I have felt “comfortable” about who I am and how I look I become ever so much more conceited and vainer. I know it speaks about who I am and that I need to be humbler. But when you feel so much less than everybody else it is nice to feel “superior” to everybody else when you can. I think it's time to say fuck it and take what I want. 

9.1.2023 - Explanation

    I don’t know why I am so hell-bent mucking around with things from the past. I don’t know why I still think about her all the time. It has been a few years since we broke up, and I can’t even say exactly because there were moments after the fact. I guess not so clean cuts can do that. Now here is the question. What does it say about me trying to reconnect with her? Or is the better question, what does it have to say about her? 

    Now I am not going to stand here and say our relationship was perfect. Even in the beginning it had its flaws, areas to work on, but we were happy. I mean who can say their relationship is perfect, it wouldn’t be human. Happy as we were I was insecure and as time progressed it got worse and worse. Events in my life piled on to my insecurities and with no real tools to help and cope with these insecurities, stress, and anxiety, I self-sabotaged. Not only did I self-sabotaged, but I also took out my frustrations against her. I truly believe I was never physically abusive but emotionally…. Emotionally is something else entirely.

8/28/23- I am at a bit of a Lose

Why is it so hard to imagine myself with someone. I am not saying I am not worthy of anyone but just trying to imagine a relationship with that person… It just doesn’t sit well. It’s hard to explain.

The lady’s That I see through dating apps are good, don’t get me wrong. A lot of them are very beautiful and have great personalities according to what they write, but in the end it’s just meh for me. I think it might have to do with the fact that we share the best me that we can be on the internet and for me it’s too much. It goes from someone whose human that isn’t perfect to someone who is always doing something, looking their best and always going. It’s exhausting. It could be that I don’t want to look and put myself out there. I don’t know, I am over it and I am not. Maybe I just don’t want to put in the work.

I need to get out more see people be closer to who they really are in real life, public me isn’t quite the same as private me…. Just thinking about it gets my anxiety going. I don’t know why I even ask people if they want to hang out… spend time… what is the right way to say that. It is hard to focus on anything. Mind wanders… thinking about work, finances, myself, relationships. Maybe it’s an underlying problem. I just don’t know.

8/1/23

 

The days have been… slow. It’s weird to not have that person who you can confide with and share everything. From when you are feeling your best to when you are feeling your lowest. I think writing will help with keeping things in check.

It has been a while since I posted, but at least, I think, this year is going to have the most posts posted in a single year. So, yay for that. I just recently came back from my trip to Mexico. It was as always very fulfilling. I wouldn’t say exciting or fun because some days are just the slowest boring thing, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Mexico is just a nice way to get out of the norm and catch up with people who you haven’t really heard from in a while. Man do I wish I could have stayed longer.

One week in Mexico is not nearly long enough time to be completely fulfilling for me. It went by so fast, and everything felt so rushed and some things felt incomplete. I didn’t get to help my grandpa with his phone issues, didn’t get to explore as much as I wanted, and I didn’t get to eat everything I wanted. As fast as it went it is nice to be back home. It’s going to be a while to have Mexico feel normal and not bring heart ache when I go.

It was the right thing to do but it still hurts. Things changed for us, and some things didn’t. I was so unsure of what I wanted to do when I first met her, and it felt like each path I took just lead to a dead end. The US or at least CA felt like it needed to go, and I needed to go somewhere else and start fresh. I always like Mexico maybe try out there I thought at the time. Things did change though I finally found my footing, I found stability. Although I dislike the fast pace of things here at least I had the option to not have to do it forever. Save enough and just get, but that would have taken too long.

She never had any intention of moving away from her part of the world. She made it clear from the start. I hoped to change her mind, but I never really had the chance. Although having her far was difficult for me it was a whole different kind of challenging for her. It ate at her physically and mentally. It just wasn’t healthy and there was nothing I could do to make things better for her. It’s better this way but it still hurts.

First Semester Done (Never Thought I Say That Again)

This post might be premature, but I am excited to say I finished my second first semester of college. Well technically it’s truly my first college semester done since the first was a quarter and not a semester, but I digress.

I never imagined I would go back to school after how terrible I did the first time around, it’s an exaggeration but still it wasn’t pretty, but where I am now in life it was a no-brainer to go back. It was a small step sure, I only took one online class, and it was material I had a good grasp on already, but I did learn new things and I better understand what am doing at work. Plus, it feels really good to pursue something and see it all the way through confidently instead of blindly running headfirst to the unknown and praying for it all to be over soon.

 

I think I will keep this one short, I just wanted to share the good news. I think I am going to make this website’s presence bigger on Instagram. So, if you are from Instagram welcome hope you enjoy my thoughts and rants. And sorry for being so annoying on Instagram.

Ohh I said in the beginning of the post that this might be premature because I don’t know If I am going to need to take the final or not. I just finished what I hope will be the last assignment for the course, but I am still waiting on the grades on some assignments to see if I will be keeping my A or if my grade might drop to an A-. I am confident I’ll keep my A, but you never know.

Have a good day.

-Alex

P.S. There are two audios coming up soon but I need to edit them. Be on the look out for those :)