8/28/23- I am at a bit of a Lose

Why is it so hard to imagine myself with someone. I am not saying I am not worthy of anyone but just trying to imagine a relationship with that person… It just doesn’t sit well. It’s hard to explain.

The lady’s That I see through dating apps are good, don’t get me wrong. A lot of them are very beautiful and have great personalities according to what they write, but in the end it’s just meh for me. I think it might have to do with the fact that we share the best me that we can be on the internet and for me it’s too much. It goes from someone whose human that isn’t perfect to someone who is always doing something, looking their best and always going. It’s exhausting. It could be that I don’t want to look and put myself out there. I don’t know, I am over it and I am not. Maybe I just don’t want to put in the work.

I need to get out more see people be closer to who they really are in real life, public me isn’t quite the same as private me…. Just thinking about it gets my anxiety going. I don’t know why I even ask people if they want to hang out… spend time… what is the right way to say that. It is hard to focus on anything. Mind wanders… thinking about work, finances, myself, relationships. Maybe it’s an underlying problem. I just don’t know.

8/1/23

 

The days have been… slow. It’s weird to not have that person who you can confide with and share everything. From when you are feeling your best to when you are feeling your lowest. I think writing will help with keeping things in check.

It has been a while since I posted, but at least, I think, this year is going to have the most posts posted in a single year. So, yay for that. I just recently came back from my trip to Mexico. It was as always very fulfilling. I wouldn’t say exciting or fun because some days are just the slowest boring thing, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. Mexico is just a nice way to get out of the norm and catch up with people who you haven’t really heard from in a while. Man do I wish I could have stayed longer.

One week in Mexico is not nearly long enough time to be completely fulfilling for me. It went by so fast, and everything felt so rushed and some things felt incomplete. I didn’t get to help my grandpa with his phone issues, didn’t get to explore as much as I wanted, and I didn’t get to eat everything I wanted. As fast as it went it is nice to be back home. It’s going to be a while to have Mexico feel normal and not bring heart ache when I go.

It was the right thing to do but it still hurts. Things changed for us, and some things didn’t. I was so unsure of what I wanted to do when I first met her, and it felt like each path I took just lead to a dead end. The US or at least CA felt like it needed to go, and I needed to go somewhere else and start fresh. I always like Mexico maybe try out there I thought at the time. Things did change though I finally found my footing, I found stability. Although I dislike the fast pace of things here at least I had the option to not have to do it forever. Save enough and just get, but that would have taken too long.

She never had any intention of moving away from her part of the world. She made it clear from the start. I hoped to change her mind, but I never really had the chance. Although having her far was difficult for me it was a whole different kind of challenging for her. It ate at her physically and mentally. It just wasn’t healthy and there was nothing I could do to make things better for her. It’s better this way but it still hurts.