Pouring Gasoline Into the Fire

 Maybe I am in a self-destructive tilt, destroying the few relations I have left but in the end who cares they were barely even there to start with.  

Revelations

 I am a sarcastic smart mouth who doesn’t know when to keep their mouth shut. 

Why try to be something I am not and just go full bore with what I know I am. I think I would like to fuck with people on Instagram. Leave my notes as vague as possible.  Well, it shouldn’t fuck with people unless they have something to hide, or they are having self-doubts. In other words, I am going to fuck with people who need to be fucked with. 

• Just because they think they are all put together, that makes it ok for them to think they are better than you. 
• That they claim they are friendly and open-minded but they really are not. 
• Who lie to you and say they are not on their phone when they are on it all the time.
• Who claim they post because it helps people but really they are attention seeking whores.
• Who claim they are spiritual but they are bound to this world and all it's materialism.

The list can go on and on, but the bottom line is I am tired of these fuckers and I am tired of bottling it all in. Lets see how long these people can keep up with their perfection façade. 

I fell back into the trap of taking things personally and caring what others thought, or at the very least what I perceived what they thought. It really does feel like a weight is lifted off your shoulder when you take off the burden of others opinions. Funny thing is you can’t blame anyone for that weight, you yourself put it there.

I am going to enjoy this.

Comments

I changed the settings for comments. Now you can leave a comment without sharing who you are or needing to sign up (I think I did anyways). 

Anyways maybe there will be a little more engagement. Or maybe this is just a cry for attention...

Needy Much- 9/19/2023

 I heard somewhere, and I like to repeat, most people stop growing mentally once they reach high school. What I mean by that is that is your likely to repeat the same bs that you did in high school in your adult life. You’ll get annoyed at the same things, the same things will make you happy, mad, stressed and so on. I more or less act the same way as I did in high school and no that’s not a good thing.

I am a very sensitive and subconscious person. If you say something nice or mean about me, I am going to take it to heart. I remember when I went on a camping trip when I was in college, I overreacted because of something. Funny how I can’t remember the exact details. The thing I remember was the girl I like said she didn’t like Cold Play. For whatever fucking reason that devastated me. I remember closing off for the remainder of that trip and trying to sing along to my music, which I was blasting on my headphones. I acted like a child and thinking back this was probably one of the last things I was invited to do with this set of friends. Nobody ever really mentioned it again after that.

University really tested me. I am always commenting on how hard university was for me and I think it was because of my emotional immaturity. It is hard for me to express my feelings when something negative happens to me. I either lock up or I get angry. I remember moments but it is always mixed with other feelings like want and desire. Not fully understanding these feelings makes me unhinged maybe. Maybe that’s why I stray to certain things. So many mixed feelings.

How do people do it?  

9.8.2023 - What Now?

     I think it is time to admit that some people are meant to not be in a relationship. The things I want and need from someone are just too contradictory for anyone person to have. As for what these things are, I can’t really say, too private. Maybe in the future, only time will tell.  

    Being confident in myself is a really scary thing for me. Every time I have felt “comfortable” about who I am and how I look I become ever so much more conceited and vainer. I know it speaks about who I am and that I need to be humbler. But when you feel so much less than everybody else it is nice to feel “superior” to everybody else when you can. I think it's time to say fuck it and take what I want. 

9.1.2023 - Explanation

    I don’t know why I am so hell-bent mucking around with things from the past. I don’t know why I still think about her all the time. It has been a few years since we broke up, and I can’t even say exactly because there were moments after the fact. I guess not so clean cuts can do that. Now here is the question. What does it say about me trying to reconnect with her? Or is the better question, what does it have to say about her? 

    Now I am not going to stand here and say our relationship was perfect. Even in the beginning it had its flaws, areas to work on, but we were happy. I mean who can say their relationship is perfect, it wouldn’t be human. Happy as we were I was insecure and as time progressed it got worse and worse. Events in my life piled on to my insecurities and with no real tools to help and cope with these insecurities, stress, and anxiety, I self-sabotaged. Not only did I self-sabotaged, but I also took out my frustrations against her. I truly believe I was never physically abusive but emotionally…. Emotionally is something else entirely.