I can't believe she pushed me to such extremes or better said I can't believe I let myself be pushed to such a level of toxicity.
I will never understand why she kept the conversation going as long as she did, will I suppose it would still be going on if I didn't cut things off. She was pretty clear even early on she just wanted to be "friends," what ever that means. We both had very different definitions of friendship. I mean how did she think things would go? A man can only hear "ok," "welcome," "thanks," "I don't care" for so long. I don't think I ever have not cared how much I hurt someone like I did last night. She just pushed my buttons! I simply did not care how she felt anymore. Even now I can't find any semblance of guilt in me.
I wonder how much she said was true. I can't imagine someone like her, or at least the personality she presented to me, can have a solid dating life or the very least social life. She was sooo boring, I should have taken the hint, but I was hoping for things to change. I didn't care if we were romantic with each other or simply just acquaintances. At first it was nice to talk to someone new, but soon it started to feel like I was talking to a dumb A.I. and eventually to just a wall. The only kind of real response I ever got from her was when we would argue about something. It was like the only way of communication she knew how to do.
Am I crazy? Is it wrong to try and learn about the person? To pay attention to them and observe details from the little talk we did have. She made feel like the bad guy until I eventually became the bad guy. I am not afraid to admit it I was a bad guy yesterday and yet again who cares. God, I can't help to think am I socially stupid do I simply not understand the norms of what it is a guy in this day and age. Hell, to be a person in this day and age.
Am I so mentally fucked that I won't ever find my place. I want out... No I am not thinking of killing myself, this thoughts are long going with the person I was but damn it's been a pretty shitty 2nd half of the year. I just want to go and start fresh, where no one knows me (idiot who knows you now). That's the problem I don't even know what starting fresh means.
I feel like I am rambling at this point...
Does anyone even read these? I mean the numbers say yes but then again. I wonder if I could talk about my other stuff.
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